Tiffany Raiford
Lies; an essential part of parenting. And before you get all high and mighty up on that soap box, please think back to the life you’ve lived and tell me with complete honesty (we don’t like liars) that you’ve never once uttered a lit to your children. Okay, that’s what I thought – I’ve got your back; don’t want you to become a hypocrite. We all lie to our kids. Whether it’s to cover up a mistake we made that would ruin their childhood or to get our way or just to save ourselves a few minutes of frustration, we all lie. Knowing that this is a subject I’d tackle today, I made it an effort to spend yesterday afternoon tracking the lies I told my kids.
I’m embarrassed by how many came out of my mouth. But on the flip side, I’m a bit impressed by my uncanny ability to lie to them with a straight face and a frustrated nod of agreement to match their own and remain on their good side the rest of the day (suckers). This morning, in fact, I lied to my kids 3 times in the first 5 minutes they were awake. Am I proud of that? Well, I got to finish drinking my coffee in peace, I had 15 minutes to myself to put on my makeup after I took a shower blissfully alone, unhurried and without interruption. So, yes, I’m pretty proud of that one (where do I collect my mother of the year award?).
No, we don’t have any chocolate
As someone without much of a sweet tooth, it’s actually pretty rare for us to have chocolate in the house. If we do have it in the house, however, it’s because I’m PMSing and desperately in need of chocolate. That means I will lie to my kids all day long to keep them out of my stash, even when they can smell it on my breath. Little stalkers.
Santa is watching
Does this actually count as a lie? Because last time I checked, my husband and I were the idiots up at 3 am on Christmas morning assembling crap our kids certainly do not need if you look at the 3000 toy filled square feet that is our home. Santa gives the biggest and the best gifts of the year, we spend hours putting them together only to be dragged out of bed by overly hyper kids at an ungodly and illegal hour to look at said gifts and we don’t even get any credit for them. So that makes me Santa, and I am watching.
The Tooth Fairy didn’t have change
The thing about loose teeth is this; kids always lose them that one time you need to use that cash for something. For our daughter, her first tooth was loose enough that it was going to fall out any second now for weeks. Then it didn’t. And then it still didn’t. And then my husband ran through the drive-thru and their debit card machine wasn’t working and he used that cash. And then her tooth fell out that night. The Tooth Fairy had to hit the ATM at a very inconvenient hour and couldn’t get change. It happens.
It’s past your bed time
It’s not. It’s actually 30 minutes before your bed time. Technically, though, it could be a non-lie if you base it on attitude. As in, you are a raging little monster today so I’ve decided that your bed time passed already, so get your butt in there, close your eyes and wake up nicer tomorrow.
I’m calling Grandma and telling her you can’t come visit this weekend
Please. No one is calling anyone and you are going this weekend. We are not punishing ourselves, especially if you’re behaving poorly enough to elicit a threat of this nature.
If you’re good we’ll do it later
Whatever “it” is, we all know we are not doing it later. We are just telling you this so you will go away and let us finish what we are doing, such as using the restroom. Incidentally, that is not something parents enjoy doing with an audience no matter how hard you bang on the door and scream to be let in, okay?
Five more minutes!
My kids will never be able to grasp the concept of time because we’ve ruined it for them. It takes us a little over an hour to get to Disney from our house, and they usually start asking 30 minutes into the trip how much longer it will take. It always takes 5 more minutes. In our car or our house, 5 minutes is the equivalent of anything between 5 minutes and tomorrow.
It’s chicken
Okay, it’s broccoli, but I’m hoping you’re not smart enough to realize that. In their defense, they know better. But we can tell them anything that looks like meat is chicken and they’re totally on board.
I am leaving without you!
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could just leave without the kids when they refuse to get dressed/choose their own clothes and look homeless but refuse to put on what you chose/won’t let you brush their hair/won’t hustle? It would be amazing, but we can’t do it. I’d love to leave them behind at times, but that’s illegal and not all that nice, so they’re coming with. But they don’t know that, so this usually results in a hustle and a change of attitude.
It’s mommy juice
You know, this is another non-lie. It is mommy juice. The technical name is wine. Or rum and diet. Or beer. Well, no, my kids know what a beer is since it comes in a bottle and not a wine glass or cup. But either way, we don’t like to tell our kids we’re drinking. We don’t want them to know what that means just yet (ever). So we lie and we tell them it’s juice that tastes really awful but mommies have to drink it to feel better.
Boy…I’m not as big a liar as I thought when it comes to my kids.
Honorable Mention
It won’t hurt a bit
Bugs will get you if you eat anywhere but the table
The sun is still out because it’s not being very good and going to bed like its mommy wants it to do
I guess you aren’t going on vacation with us
That’s poison
Don’t touch that, it’s dangerous
Mommy and daddy are talking and we will be out in a minute
You can’t get out of bed until the sun is awake
If you don’t eat veggies, you’ll get sick
Brush your teeth or they’ll fall out (haha…they’re falling out regardless, kid)
Photo by Adam Berry/Getty Images
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