Don’t You Just Hate When Your Kids Embarrass You?

Kids;  the only thing in life you try so hard for, wait so long for and then wonder daily why you even bothered. In all seriousness, I love my four littles. They are some of the sweetest kids you’ll ever meet (they get that from daddy) and they are sometimes utterly annoying and embarrassing, and completely irrational. For the most part, though, they’re good so those embarrassing moments of self-righteousness and ugly behavior are easy to overlook in hindsight. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t entirely, completely and disgustingly embarrassing sometimes. I’m not talking about just being cute and making people laugh at their silliness, either. I’m talking completely embarrassing to the point that you want to disappear into a hole and never reappear. But that’s not happening, especially since all the embarrassing moments kids go through in life tend to happen in public.

With four kids (almost 7, 4 and 1-year-old twins), it’s safe to say I have my hands full (but you should see my heart) and that sometimes control is not mine for the taking. I’d say we do a killer job with these kids and we’ve raised them to be very respectful, kind and intelligent little ones (so far) but they’re still kids. And that means they are occasionally embarrassing. And to make you feel good about your own kids’ most embarrassing moments, I’m happy to share mine.

The Supermarket Tantrum

It was only a few months ago after church that our 4-year-old was in the store with all of us when she lost her mind. She wanted a toy that was entirely too inappropriate for a child her age, and I told her no. Long story short, that involved a high-pitched scream, me carrying her across the store while she hit threw her tantrum, passing her off to my husband who was waiting in the line for subs and asking him to please take her to the car all while pretending there was nothing wrong. Oh, and listening to her scream and throw a fit all the way out the store while my husband carried her; fake smile and teeth grit.

The Stranger Invitation

Remember that one time my husband and I had date night planned, and I decided to take a quick shower to wash off the fact that it was a sweltering 100 degree day and I’d just unloaded four kids from the car, along with all their belongings? Yeah, I had the twins – infants at the time – in their car seats in the bathroom with me when my oldest daughter came into the bathroom to let me know there was someone at the door and that her sister had let this strange woman in the house. I jumped out of the shower dripping wet, threw on my robe and ran into the foyer to find an actual strange woman in my living room at my then 3-year-old’s invitation. Instead of thinking she was in the wrong by actually coming into my home at the invitation of a toddler, she lectured me on door safety as if I don’t tell my kids never to open the door, but 3-year-olds sometimes do what they want.

The Party Favor

Ah, yes. The party favor. It’s one of my favorites. It was the twins’ first birthday party. Our middle daughter turned 4 the same week. As we are hosting 100+ people who wanted to celebrate the first year of the twins’ lives, our darling daughter decided to shake everyone’s hands and talk to them. At first it seemed so cute. And then it wasn’t; we finally heard what she was saying to people, “My mommy and daddy like to get naked in bed together.”

Oh. My. God. I mean, we do, but that’s not something we realized she was aware of. Ever since, we’ve been wearing clothes to bed.

The Great Shoe Toss

I had only one at the time. And she was mad at me in the store, so she removed her shoes and threw them at me. Twice. I decided not to give them back to her, pushed her through the store screaming at the top of her lungs, forcing a smile at people who thought they could ‘fix’ her (they couldn’t) and answering everyone’s HILAROUS, “Well, isn’t she just upset,” (oh really? I hadn’t noticed) questions and comments with as much patience as I could muster. When an elderly woman chased me through the parking lot to tell me I should put her shoes back on her and then proceeded to lecture me, I told her to “eff” off. I’d had it.

The Truth isn’t a Lie

Just last week I took the big girls to their first dental appointment of this year. Afterward, we ran to Publix. It was in line that a little boy in front of us with his mother was having a meltdown. My four-year-old rolled her eyes and said, “That boy is being such a big baby,” at the top of her lungs (you know, because she is perfect and does nothing of the sort – ever – so she can absolutely judge). His mother turned around and glared while I turned red and told my daughter it’s not nice to be impolite to which she replied, “No, it’s not nice to lie. I wasn’t lying. He is a big baby.” Nice, Ava. Nice.

Oh, Was that Supposed to Stay on the Wall?

How about that one time our kids were with us at our best friends’ house for dinner and our kids and their kids decided to swing from a towel bar in the bathroom, ripping it out of the wall? That was quite embarrassing. But a few weeks later when they were at our house, one of their kids threw a ball in Ava’s room and shattered a few of her ceiling fan light bulb glass covers, so we felt a bit even.

You’re the Worst Mommy EVER!

There is nothing like that one time you tell your kids they cannot have something or do something in the middle of the store and they tell you that you are the worst mommy EVER at the top of their lungs while screaming and throwing a fit. I bet you’ll never guess that this one is our 4-year-old. She’s not at all embarrassing.

The Diaper Debacle

When our oldest was just about to turn one, we were flying home to Florida from California. She was drinking water like a drunk and peed right through her diaper, her clothes and all over my husband’s lap where she was sitting. It looked like he wet his pants, and it was hilarious (for me) and utterly mortifying for him.

The Flight Problem

Fast forward about two years from that flight and we had our then 4-month-old daughter and our almost 3-year-old daughter on a flight home from Texas with us. Our older daughter did not want to sit in her seat for takeoff. She wanted to play on the floor. When I told her to get into her seat and buckle up, she refused. She would not listen to the flight attendant, either. Long story short, she ended up throwing a shrieking fit that had people moving seats, the flight attendant asking me if I thought she’d calm down for the flight or if we thought we needed to try again later, and everyone glaring at us. She calmed down after about 5 minutes, but it felt like HOURS. And people glared even harder when I ordered myself a cocktail. What? Like they couldn’t see what I’d dealt with at the beginning of the flight?

The Bathroom Debacle

I’ve saved the best for last. It’s gross; and it’s TMI, and I apologize in advance. Stop reading if you cannot handle this, but it has to be said. It’s the most embarrassing moment of my life to date, and my daughter did not help.

About a year before we got pregnant with the twins, we took our daughters to North Carolina for a week. On our flight home, which was only an hour, they were angels. In fact, they’d been amazing the entire trip, even at just over 1 and 4. Life was good.

And then my brand new tampon decided it no longer wanted to do its job. Or the air pressure had a negative effect on my monthly visitor because when I stood up to exit the plane, all hell broke loose and I was covered in blood. The back of my light pink maxi dress was drenched. The seat was drenched. Everything. We decided to wait until everyone got off the plane and then we exited; me holding the back of my dress in a ball as much as I could to hide the blood while still trying to cover my body.

I had to go to the bathroom and clean up, since it was coming down my legs and it was just mortifying. And naturally, I didn’t have any clothes with me to change into, I had to wait until after we claimed our luggage.

Of COURSE, our 4-year-old had to go potty, too. So while she’s pottying in the stall with me, I’m cleaning up. And that involved throwing away my panties, changing into a new tampon and trying to wash the blood from all over my legs. While I’m doing this my daughter is providing a running commentary for EVERYONE in line outside the bathroom stall.

“Mommy? Why is there juice in your butt? Mommy? What is that thing you are putting in your butt? Mommy, why did you throw your panties away? Mommy? What’s that stuff all over you?” I really, really wanted to die. You’ve never seen so much embarrassment on the face of a mother as you did on mine when we exited that stall. And that’s when it got worse. When we tracked down my husband and younger daughter, Addison decides to relay – at the top of her lungs – the entire bathroom debacle to my husband while we wait for our luggage.

“Daddy! Mommy took off her panties and THREW THEM AWAY in the bathroom because there was JUICE ALL OVER THEM AND COMING OUT OF HER BUTT.”

Kill me now, please.

Photo by Adam Berry/Getty Images