What’s the Fattest Thing You’ve Ever Done? Get a Load of These Answers

Pet Food

We’ve all been there on those really really bad food days haven’t we?  You look at a box of cookies and just say to yourself, “Screw it, I’m eating every single one of these.”  And what happens?  You do it.  Whether it’s an entire pizza or 20 mozzarella sticks, all of us have succumbed to our worst hunger fears and just let our tummies loose.  But some of us have taken it way further than others.

Just ask the folks who responded to the question “What the fattest thing you’ve ever done?” on Reddit.   Whenever you think you’ve gone a little too crazy with food you might want to take a look at what your peers are capable of.  We vetted the comment thread to bring you some of the absolute best, funniest, and probably nastiest answers we could find.

Someone get me a treadmill!

1. It might not count because I was massively pregnant but I woke up in the middle of the night, poured an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch into a big glass bowl, threw in a bag of marshmallows, drizzled it with melted butter and then put it in the microwave to melt the marshmallows. I then watched Dexter for 2 hours and ate the whole thing while crying.

2. Okay I have the perfect story for this. I told my wife I was going to the gym, but somehow I ended up going to Mcdonald’s instead. I ate my cheeseburgers in a parking lot, and waited a little while until it seemed long enough for a workout. When I got home, I poured water on my head and shirt to look like I had been sweating. That is the absolute saddest and fattest thing I have ever done.

3. I ate half of a cake once when I should have only one piece. I was horrified and didn’t want anyone to know, so I finished the cake, baked a whole new one, forced myself to eat the one allowed piece. Then I barfed in the middle of dinner.

4. I once ate almost an entire bucket of those cheese balls then I sat there in my orange shame reflecting on the choices I’ve made.

5. Ever heard of a Scotch egg? I make a dessert version using spice cake wrapped around a Cadbury egg and deep fried. Served with buttercream frosting as “gravy”. It’s absolutely delicious, but everyone within a 10 meter radius gets diabetes

6. I ate two pans of brownies in less than an hour. I didn’t even realize that I’d eaten that much until I saw the two empty pans.

7. Bought a dozen large apple fritters, ate 11, puked, ate #12, napped.

8. Got the wrong order from a southern chicken restaurant called Zaxby’s, ate it angrily, then drove to the adjacent city and went to THAT Zaxby’s, ordered it again, got the right order, and then ate that angrily, too. It cost me about $17, not counting gas. It wasn’t even good. Did the same thing with a pizza, that one cost me about $32. I must be descended from some fat, spoiled noble who couldn’t handle an unsatisfying meal and tormented his poor cooks.

9. I once ordered a 20 piece McNuggets from McDonald’s, and realized there were actually only 19 nuggets. I was in a bad mood already, so I went back and made a big deal out of it, and they gave me a whole new 20 piece, leaving me with 39 total nuggets, all of which I ate in one sitting.

10. Anniversary time. Wife and I walk four blocks down the hill to the House of Prime Rib. We gorge on meat meat meat meat meat meat meat. Oh yeah, there’s a salad and we eat that too. Groaning with pleasure, we waddle out of the restaurant. Look up the hill. We can see our apartment. I look at her. She looks at me. We hail a cab.

11. A double hamburger, with the ends made of grilled cheese sandwiches. Grilled Cheese Patty Bun Patty Grilled Cheese. I could literally feel my arteries clogging.

12. I ate a ham.  Yes.  A whole ham.

13. I did what’s called a bang-bang. I ate at two completely separate restaurants, and had two full meals, back to back. I saw it on an episode of Louie and thought it would be fun to try. It was, but I’d never do it again. I gained eight pounds that day.

14. I did this somewhat on accident once after eating at a Chinese place and then a Mexican establishment. This is a dangerous combination. The aftermath hit me on the way home. I ended up driving about 90 mph with one hand on the wheel and the other holding my tush together as tears streamed down my face. I was thrusting my pelvis into the air to get maximum leverage against the unstoppable force making its way out of me. I pulled into my driveway on an angle with my driver’s side door closest to my house door and didn’t worry about closing any of them or shutting my car off as I sprinted in to the bathroom. I made it with no time to spare. It was a great victory.

15. Phoning for pizza delivery. “It’s buy one get one free today, sir.” So naturally, I pretend to shout up to non-existent housemates to ask them if they want one, before telling the guy on the end of the phone that, yes, “we” will take two. Ate both in one sitting.

16. At a carnival a few years back, I had deep fried butter.  It was a stick of butter put in batter then deep fried with cinnamon and sugar. I wallowed in my artery clogging misery afterwards.

17. I once ate half a tub of ice cream with a tablespoon of Nutella spread accompanying every mouthful because I ran out of chocolate syrup. I later learned of the nutritional content of Nutella, and realized that I must have ingested a week’s allowance of saturated fats in one sitting.

18. I ate 10 breakfast burritos from McDonald’s over the course of an hour on a fishing trip.

19. I was meeting friends at the theatre. They were late so I bought extra-large popcorn and two large drinks, for all of us. Nobody came. I walked out of that movie with half a drink and depression.

20. OK so back story here I was working at a McDonald’s while in high school. Well it was summer and I was working quite a bit cause we were very understaffed. Well my schedule was 6am- 6pm and one of my Co workers schedule was 6pm-6am (we were supposed to rotate so it worked well). Anyway he comes in one day and says there is a family emergency and he needs to leave for a few days. I say don’t worry I’ll cover your shift go take care of things. I worked from Monday morning at 6am to Wednesday night at 6pm so I worked 60 hours relatively non stop. (Note I had my friends and family take me home so I could shower and such but yeah it was hell) Anyway I get done with my last shift and get told as a thank you for my work I can make anything I can think of. I made a sandwich that contained:

6x pieces of bacon
4x quarter pound patties
5x slices of swiss cheese
All topped off with mac sauce