Tiffany Raiford
I love when I get to be an expert on something; because I’m not really an expert on anything. Well, I’m an expert in parenting and sneaking food I don’t want the kids to see (but all parents are parenting experts, really, so that doesn’t actually count). One thing I’m definitely an expert on, however, is being a woman. I’ve been a female for going on 32 years now. Perhaps I’m not so much an expert as my 96-year-old grandmother, but I feel pretty good about being a woman and knowing a thing or two about it. As a woman, I’m probably breaking some sort of woman code letting you in on this if you are not a woman. If you are a woman, I’m just confirming that the rest of us are just like you when it comes to being in private. We all do a few things that we might never admit to doing when we are home alone, but that doesn’t make us strange. It makes us women; and if you ask me about what I’m about to divulge in public, I will deny, deny, deny. On that note, here are a few things almost all women do when we are home alone (because we know men are DYING to know).
Sing – Really Loudly
I don’t know about you, but I sound just like Whitney Houston when I’m in the car or alone in the house and no one else is around. I mean, it’s creepy how much we sound alike. And I have no idea why no one else agrees, ever. That’s why I prefer to save my vocal talents for the cat.
Drink a bit Early
It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, right? That’s what I tell myself on those rare, rare days I’m home alone on a Friday when one of the grandparents invites the kids over for a sleepover and I have a few hours until my husband comes home. Noon isn’t too early for a glass of sauvignon blanc and a good book in the sun.
Add Something Special to Coffee – Or Skip it in Favor of the Mimosas (and probably skip the OJ)
Since my husband and I spend our time together if the kids aren’t home, this only happens if I’m traveling with him sans kids on a business trip. But I’ll get up, add a little something special to my coffee while he leaves for his meetings and enjoy my day. Or I’ll skip the coffee entirely and head straight for the phone to order a mimosa. Or two.
Leave the Bathroom Door Open
That’s right. I do it. I go to the restroom with the door open. No one talks to me, looks for me or calls my name, either. It’s like adulthood.
Walk around Naked
Clothes are overrated in general, but since the kids are old enough to ask questions and notice the inappropriateness of my nudity (and share it like a party favor at the twins’ first birthday party), I save this for their absence.
Facebook Stalk People We just Met
It’s true. Parent events at school, a group outing; whatever. If I meet you and feel that you’ll become part of my life (or my kid talks about being your kids’ friend) I’ll see what you’re about. That way I can put an end to that friendship or let it go on.
Spend Hours Watching Old Sex and the City Reruns
Hours and hours and hours. There’s no such thing as too much SATC. Or Friends, or How I met Your Mother. Or Modern Family. There’s just a lot of stuff you can watch for hours. And then pretend you were so busy you didn’t have time to do anything productive – not even remotely.
Talk to Ourselves
This one is really no different than having the entire family home. Unless you’re telling them that they’re getting something amazing, they don’t hear you, so you might as well be talking to yourself. But when they’re not home, you talk to yourself like you are your own best friend. And you kind of are (maybe sad, but probably not).
Talk to Ourselves in Foreign Accents
Is that just me? No, it’s definitely not just me. If the Food Network is on, I’m Paula Deen-ing it with my accent all day long. And I’ll find a reason to throw the word, “Butta” in everything I say just so I can say it as she does. If I happen to hear or see something about Kate Middleton, it’s all English all the way, cheerio.
Practice a Conversation we Know We will Be Having Soon
We are so guilty of this. It’s the big conversation with someone you’re going to be having soon. It’s “The Talk” you’ll have with your kids. The conversation you don’t want to have about why you’re not doing something your mom and dad want you to do, the conversation you know you’re about to have with another parent about their kids’ behavior….you practice it at home. In front of the mirror. With expressions.
Practice our Facial Expressions
Please see above referenced conversation. We do this all the time, but not just when we are planning on having a big conversation (or our imaginary Oscar acceptance speech). We like to know how we look when we speak, so we do it. And then we fix it. Because oh em gee; that is not how I look every time I do that, right?
Practice Walking like a Supermodel
When I’m packing for a trip while the big girls are at school, the babies are napping and the husband is at work, I will put on my clothes, my heels and walk like a supermodel all over the master pretending like I’m going to be discovered in the middle of date night in NYC.
Wander Aimlessly around Enjoying the Peace and Quiet
Sometimes there is just nothing to do but enjoy the peace and quiet. The cleanliness and the solitude of home without the animals your family home to mess it up and break the silence with their demands and messes. It’s fleeting.
Blare the Music
There is no really good reasons as to why the music has to be so loud other than the fact that you just want it to be so loud. It’s your house and no one is home; so blare that music and enjoy yourself, girl.
Hide when Someone Rings the Doorbell
The army crawl across the floor to the window so you can see who is there; the hidden fear. The worry. The anger that someone would dare interrupt your time alone. The hiding out in your own house like a fugitive with the law outside looking for you. Why do we do that? One day I’m just going to continue parading around my house in the nude with the music blaring (because turning it off after they rang the doorbell totally makes it seem like you’re not home, right?) and flat out ignore them.
Did I mention my front door is huge, glass and surrounded by glass? This is going to be interesting.
Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images
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